Effective, Easy to Use Tools for Really Listening to Your Teen

0512_laughmom_rotatorMany parents of teenagers almost naturally assume that their child really doesn’t have much interest in talking to them, especially as often their actions – heading up to their room as soon as they get home from school, spending lots of time on their computers and social network sites – seem to indicate that.

Oddly enough though, in a study conducted by researchers at Yale University of 13-17 year old children from all over the world about their most pressing concerns, the number one answer was communicating with their parents in a more positive way.

Well, that’s a revelation isn’t it? Your teen actually probably does want to talk to you. But it doesn’t happen. So what’s going wrong? Some kids just need a more formal invitation. Others need a little time to open up. All too often though the problem is that parents don’t know how to take the time to listen to their kids. To quote one girl who took part in the study; “Every time I attempt to talk to my parents, they either yell at me before I tell my whole story or lecture me. If they’d be more open to talk with me and let me do some more talking, I’d talk with them a lot more.”

Sound a bit familiar? Developing the skill of actually listening to what your teen is saying can have a huge positive impact on your relationship with them as a whole. Here are some great tools you can begin using today to make this goal a reality:

Give Him Your Complete Attention – It’s tough because you are so busy and there is so much to do, especially after you have had a long day at work. But if your teen is actually trying to open a dialogue it’s time for the multi-tasking to stop for a while; turn off the TV, get off the phone and give him the courtesy of your undivided attention.

Restate What You Heard, But in Your Own Words – Your teen needs to know that you really are listening as they speak. One way to convey that is to restate what they have just said, but in your own words.

For example, let’s imagine your child comes home from school upset and says they got a bad grade in maths and all the teacher did was shout at them about it. You might say “so you’d like help with maths, rather than just having people shout about it?” This not only assures them that you are listening but also begins to offer a solution to their problem.

Don’t Make Fun of Their Emotions – Your teen daughter comes home for the evening very distressed because she had a big fight with her best friend. As an adult you know that such arguments are usually pretty trivial and are forgotten quickly, and so it’s easy to dismiss it all as silly teenage drama.

But think back for a minute to when you were a teen. The world is much smaller (and hormones don’t help) and what seems a little thing to a grown up can seem huge to a teenager. Rather than making light of her feelings listen to what she wants to say and then try your best to offer sensible advice rather than teasing.

Listen to Actions – What does that mean? Slamming doors, shouting at siblings for no reason, refusing to eat, these are all signs that something is wrong that your teen may want to talk about. Instead of shouting at them for their bad behavior ask them what’s wrong and if they’ed like to talk about it. The chances are good that they do.

Talking with your teen is not always going to be easy and sometimes the conversations will not go well. But if you stick at it and really make an attempt to really listen to them by making use of some of these communication tools there are likely to be far more positives than negatives and an improvement in your relationship really will begin to develop.