Bam. Your kid blew out the candles on their thirteenth birthday cake and, as your parents, grandparents and wiser, older friends had predicted they very well might, based on their own experience, they began morphing into a totally different child overnight. Not just in terms of looks and maturity, but in that where there was once a pretty sweet, pretty obedient little soul there is now an often glowering teenager who rarely ever listens to you and certainly has little interest in acknowledging you exist as anything other than a chef, chauffeur and living ATM machine.
Before you despair, or make plans to lock them in their room until they are 18, it’s important to understand that you are far from alone. If your elders, especially Mum and Dad, warned you that the teen years would be tough as a parent why do you think that was? Probably because, as hard as it might be for you to recall now, dealing with you as a teenager was probably no walk in the park either.
The key to surviving your child’s teen years, while also helping them make the most of them, is to begin to redefine your relationship. It’s not an overnight fix and it’ll take some work but every day doesn’t have to involve a pitched battle to get your teen to tidy their room, do their homework or just be civil. Here are six effective strategies to start off with:
Don’t Be a Pressure Parent
Too many parents try – even if it’s unconsciously – to relive their childhood through their kids and that can be especially true when the child hits their teens. But it’s important to remember that they are not little copies of you, they are maturing individuals with personalities, minds and hopes and dreams of their own.
Don’t push your child in a certain direction because it was something you liked or were good at when you were a kid. Maybe you loved maths but they hate it with a passion and prefer art and languages instead, subjects you were never too bothered about. Instead of pushing math on them use your skills to help them get through the basics if they need it and learn to accept that maybe they will be a journalist instead of an accountant and that that is just fine.
Choose Your Battles Wisely
Teens like to push their parents buttons and see just what they can get away with, even when they are actually pretty good kids. They also want to be allowed to develop their own style, their own friends and their own path and often it’s a rather different one than you had expected.
While we certainly don’t suggest you give up on the idea of proper discipline some battles just aren’t worth the hassle. So they want to dye their hair purple? It’s not the end of the world, it’ll wash out. The only colours they want to wear are black? That’s not worth fighting over either. It’s their body to clothe and if they get mistaken for a funeral director? That’s kind of their problem. Save your energy for the more important issues that might crop up.
Listen as Well as Talk
Although it may seem like your teen has little interest in discussing their lives with you anymore that’s probably not the case. What is probably happening is that they think you won’t understand that they are having a harder time at school and just get mad, or don’t remember what it’s like to have a crush at 15 and so will have no clue how they feel about the boy/girl at school they like.
Without interrogating make it clear that if, and when, they want to talk about anything you are there to listen. And when they do come to you listen calmly and don’t judge. They have finally respected your opinion enough to seek it so give it kindly and with love.
Make the Rules Clear
Teenagers do still need to follow rules and those rules need to be clear. Yes, there certainly should be a reasonable curfew in place and asking for a ‘check in’ text once in a while is not an unreasonable demand either. Homework should be done first and yes, they really should make sure they study for that big test. And these rules, as silly as it may sound at first, should be set out in writing so that you are both on the same page. This way, should one be broken there is no room for excuses (I didn’t know what time you wanted me home! You never said don’t go to X!) and so any punishment they have to face will be warranted because they knew it was coming.
Give Them Some Leeway
Usually, your teenagers bedroom door is closed not because they are doing something ‘bad’ but because they want some privacy, that’s all. Are they going to be mad if you go through their phone reading their messages? Probably, and very mad at that. We’ve all heard tales about the bad things that teen get up to, but to assume that your child is going to follow suit just because of their age is harsh and unfair.
Make sure they understand the basics of safety, both online and off, the importance of trying their best at school and the consequences of risky behaviors like experimenting with drugs or sex. Then, let them off the lead a bit. Not to go wild, and inappropriate behavior should still be nipped in the bud, but to be given the freedom to make phone calls without people listening in, to make some of their decisions about the paths to follow at school and maybe even to discover for themselves that, yes, that girl/boy is going to break their heart.
Show a Real Interest in Your Teen
This is the most important piece of advice we have to offer of all. Just because they are not little kids anymore does not mean that a teen does not want you to be interested in their lives and what they like to do. But all too often busy parents dismiss their teens interests as trivial or silly and make offhand remarks that can hurt or annoy.
Have a child that loves video games? Instead of moaning about the time they spend on their console have a look at what they’re playing. Have a go yourself. Ask them why they like the games they do. Even if they don’t actually vocalize it, any teen would be very glad to have a parent take that kind of interest. And the same goes for everything else; sports, music, books, fashion and so on. Taking a genuine interest in what your teen likes will make them feel good and, as a bonus, you’ll gain a better understanding than ever before of just who your little boy or girl is becoming, leading to a far better, more open, more respectful relationship. You know, the kind you know you want.
